The Diaries of Ayesha

The Diaries of Ayesha

My first published article

This is a copy of the first article I wrote for REDEMPTION about the Scene and my involvement with Mistress Minx. Reprinted by permission of Akasa Publishing (c) 1997

I am a submissive. I have been for many years. But as of late I have been trying to explain why I enjoy my submission to an Internet friend who is not in the Scene.

It's been like trying to explain a rainbow to an earthworm.

<CLIP>

I am trying to understand BDSM, since my cybersweetie is more than a bit of a sub. I've read a lot of information, and I understand it intellectually, but I have a *L*O*T* of trouble grokking it on a gut level. I just can't imagine treating another human being, let alone someone I love, that way, even if they say they want it.

And to have things like that done to me... well I'd either run away or commit suicide.

CF> Mi'lady It is a bit hard to grasp for some people.

CF> As a submissive I am determined to give my Mistress pleasure in the ways she wishes to be pleased. As you can tell from my work, I like to give pleasure to people. There is too little of it in the world.

This is the point of view my cybersweetie has expressed many times.

CF> I am considered too valuable to be abused. Punished for misdeeds, yes. No question.

It has seemed to me that "misdeeds" are defined rather arbitrarily in this context, and the punishment seems harsh and also arbitrary. This is one of the factors I don't understand.

<END CLIP>

Are the punishments I suffer for misdeeds harsh and arbitrary? Never arbitrary, but sometimes harsh. The most painful abuse I ever suffered was to be banished from Mistress Minx's presence and to have my collar stripped from me.

For a submissive in love with his Mistress there is no worse punishment than to be cast out from her presence. I am still trying to re earn the collar, although I am once again permitted to serve Her.

My offense was self-doubt.

I learned a valuable lesson from that. If a Mistress collars you and places you in Her stable, never question it. She decides who is worthy of Her favors and who is not.

For a slave to even hint that he is not worthy is actually questioning the wisdom of his Mistress.

Never doubt yourself. If you are trying to earn the interest of a Mistress, consider what you can offer Her.

Not in money or in things, but yourself.

Can you cook or clean? Can you build things? Can you fix Her car? Tell stories or sing for Her?

You many be a groveling worm to Her by comparison, but even a worms are useful. But that still doesn't answer the primary question. Why?

I'm most assuredly not submissive in my daily life. My job requires that I guide people through complex procedures on the telephone and not to let them stray. This takes some serious ability to control someone just through the authority and confidence in your voice.

And I don't like being pushed around by anybody. I can only follow orders from people I respect, either personally or professionally.

And I still can't answer why in terms that my friend can understand. Why have I accepted and even begged to be whipped and tormented. Why have I begged for my Mistress to perform unsanitary acts on and in my person? Why have I offered my body for Her sexual pleasure even if I would not completely enjoy what she wished to do to me?

And why would a woman do those things to me? Is Mistress Minx a sadist, does She enjoy seeing me in pain? No. She enjoys giving me enough pain to start my natural painkillers working. She enjoys giving me enough pain to see me start relaxing into it. And She takes pleasure from my pleasure. She takes pleasure in my willingness to suffer pain and humiliation for Her

But still the question exists. Why? What is wrong with me? Why do I enjoy submitting to a woman I love and trust? Some mysteries of life can not be answered in words.

Just seen in the heart.