The Diaries of Ayesha

The issue came to a head when I lost my temper with one of the interns in Accounting. I'm generally pretty easy about errors when they happen, but this time I chewed the girl a new asshole and didn't take her into an office to do it.

She complained to the HR department and they passed it to Minx, who proceeded to call me into her office, lock the door, and chewed my ass so deep my belly button caved into the hole.

"I've put up with your attitude for long enough. I understand you are still upset over seeing Irena kill herself, and I know you feel somehow responsible. But it has become obvious that you need some professional help and I'm going to see you get it.", she declared.

"But Miss Dawes..", I started to say and was cut off by her hand slamming on the desk.

"On your knees!", she snapped.

I dropped instantly and put my head down cringing, eyes closed.

"Michael, I healed you once.", she said standing before me. "But I can not heal this wound myself. You need to see a professional therapist and I'm going to make sure you do."

"I don't need a shrink.", I muttered.

She grabbed my head and pulled it back by the hair making me yelp in pain.

"If your disgraceful behavior proves anything, it proves you do need some help. Talking back to me is not a habit of yours.", she said staring me in the eyes.

With that she released my head and walked back to her desk and opened her appointment book, and took out a business card.

"Come over here.", she instructed.

I dogwalked my way to her and continued to kneel before her desk as she presented me with the card.

"I want you to go to this address right now. I'll make the appointment for you and you will tell Dr. Denoblis everything that happened.", she commanded.

"Yes Mistress.", I said, resigned to following the order. I stood up to leave and she stopped me.

"Michael, I'm not angry with you. I'm angry about you. I'm sorry you were hurt this way. Susan and Gerl and I have all tried to tell you it wasn't your fault, but you can't seem to accept that in your heart. Perhaps if you talk to someone that doesn't have a personal interest, you'll accept it."

I went to the address on the card in Haight-Ashbury, aka "Hashbury" and entered the office of Dr. G. Denoblis, MD.

The office was comfortably furnished and the receptionist was polite but friendly as I filled out the insurance forms and a well thought out questionnaire about my personal habits.

I answered them as honestly as possible, but even I have my own dirty little secrets I'm not comfortable telling people about.

If I were to reveal everything I would soon lose my value.

I didn't have to wait long before an older woman came out of an inner office and invited me in.

Her office was full of books, and had a traditional leather couch next to the window that overlooked a small garden plot. Pictures of people hung on the wall and behind her desk was a set of three oil portraits, one of Freud, one of Jung, and the last one of Adler.

The finishing touch so far as I was concerned was a large black cat that lay on the window sill that lifted it's head for a moment to look at me, then ignored me.

Dr. Denoblis had slightly graying hair, and her eyes were a soft green, and her smile was warm and inviting

"I'm Grace Denoblis and I understand that you are employed by Miss Dawes.", she said motioning me to a chair in front of her desk.

"Yes Doctor.", I replied politely, trying not to be nervous.

"So tell me about yourself Michael. What kind of work do you do for her?"

"I work as her personal assistant, help with documents, generally act as her spare hands. I'm her personal hewer of wood and drawer of water.", I explained lightly.

She smiled and pulled a file from her desk drawer and opened it.

"You are also her personal slave, have served her for some years now, and have an excellent reputation inside of Ay'esha. You are loyal, dedicated, caring sometimes to a fault, occasionally hot tempered, and blush nicely when embarrassed.", she assayed.

I blinked , swallowed and blushed in embarrassment.

"I'm sorry Doctor. I wasn't aware of your involvement in Ay'esha.", I stammered.

"You didn't need to know.", she said, putting the folder down. "Minx sent you here to talk about a problem with your behavior."

"I guess so.", I said looking away.

"Michael, anything you say to me stays here. Your Mistress will never know what is said here.", she explained.

I looked at her with suspicion.

"Doctor, I'm not sure I even want to talk about it.", I said firmly.

"Well I can understand that. You don't know me, and at this point, why should you trust me? ", she said reasonably.

"It's not that I don't trust you. I mean Minx wouldn't have sent me to you if I couldn't trust you. It's just .. well I haven't had the best experience in the world with shrinks, I mean psychiatrists.", I replied honestly.

"Tell me about it.", she asked, genuinely interested in my feelings.

So I explained to her my dealings with members of her profession, from the well meaning school shrink that decided I needed a father figure and arranged to have me assigned to one of the teachers for Father/Son events like the football games.

Mr. Jacobsen was nice enough and I did respect him, but I really didn't feel the need for a "father figure" in my life. In fact, being assigned a father as it were, made me even more uncomfortable about my lack of one.

I told her of the grief councilor at the hospital that told me it was God's will that my wife and daughter died.

Excuse me, but if there is a God and he is a loving, caring God, then why did she have to die?

Anybody who can show me a concrete reason for her death is encouraged to tell me why.

I told her of the one who tried to cure me of my depression by putting me into group therapy. That was interesting anyway. I think I did the others more good than I did myself, which suited me fine.

That was the same one that put me on antidepressants that zonked me out so badly I couldn't function.

"So anyway, you can see my problem with members of your profession.", I concluded.

She laughed softly.

"The grief councilor was an idiot. Of course, don't quote me on that. After all, we're all members of a great profession and wise as Athena.", she said with a wink.

"I thought so too.", I said warming to her easy manner.

"So we won't use the couch and we won't talk like you're a patient. We can be friends instead and you can talk about whatever you like. Eventually, you'll tell me what is bothering you and then perhaps I can help.", she said walking to the window and looking out.

"I'd be a lot more comfortable if you would do that. I know it's a bother."

She looked at me and shook her head gravely.

"Michael, you were sent here to talk to me and resolve the problem that is bothering you. There's no time limit, there's no deadline. You can take as much time as you like. But at some point you are going to have to be honest with yourself and me."

The intercom on her desk buzzed and the receptionist asked if she would like tea sent in.

"Yes please, Darjeeling for me and Earl Gray for Mr. Forbin.", Grace replied.

I shook my head in amusement.

"Tell me something. Is everything in that file?", I asked pointing to it.

"Everything. Including your favorite sexual act, I might add.", she said wickedly.

I blushed again as the door opened as the tea was delivered.

I sipped my tea as Grace sat down at the desk again and pulled out a box of tissues and placed it near me.

"What's that for?", I asked.

"One of the things I'm here for is to pass out tea, sympathy, and an occasional Kleenex or two."

"Very thoughtful.", I said taking another sip.

"Why do you think you killed that woman?", she asked directly.

I spilled my tea and used a tissue to mop it off my pants leg.

"OK, cut to the fucking chase then.", I said with a touch of anger.

"I just did. Why do you feel responsible for her death?"

I stared past her and out the window, feeling the tears welling up inside me.

"Because if I hadn't been so damned intent on finding out who shot Ivan Rudenko, she might never have been discovered!", I snapped.

"So you consider yourself better than the police in finding criminals?", she asked.

"In this case, yes. The police hadn't even managed to identify the two dead men yet.", I replied.

"And what if the police had arrived at Rudenko's first?"

"They would have arrested her. She wouldn't have gotten the chance to kill herself. I wasted time talking to her. I should have just kept my mouth shut and waited for the police.", I said as the tears started to fall.

"And if they had arrested her? How do you know she wouldn't have killed herself anyway? She might have hung herself in her cell. Or she might have tried to shoot it out with the police. Or she might have surrendered peacefully.

"Michael, you don't know what would have happened."

I wiped the tears away and reached for another tissue as my pent up feelings burst forth.

"She might still be alive if I had just minded my own business.", I sobbed.

"Perhaps she would. If you had known what she was going to do, could you have stopped her?", Grace asked. "Tell me honestly."

"Yes, I could have grabbed the gun from her.", I wept.

"Let's find out.", she said and pulled a gun from her desk.

I lunged for it and by the time I got to Grace she had the gun in her mouth and pulled the trigger, then spit out ...water.

"Bleah. I only use this to keep the cat off the shelves. A little water in the right spot works every time.", she said.

I wiped my face with another tissue and challenged her to try again.

Each time I failed to stop her. The closest I got to stopping her resulted in her squirting water up her nose.

She took a tissue and blew her nose nosily and set the gun on the desk.

"Unless you were the Flash, you couldn't have stopped her.", she said sipping her tea again while I thought about her words.

"Michael, a person may think they cause an action to be set in place when sometimes the action is actually independent of anything they may have done. The action was set in place long before by the same person that ended their life. We are not pawns in a game here, we are in control of our own actions. Don't be saddened. Some things are beyond our control. As sad as it is you are not responsible for her actions, only your own.

"You did what you had to do. You had an obligation to find the killer and you did."

I looked at her and shook my head.

"She saved my life by killing those two men.", I said.

"She killed those two men in order to carry out her own plan. Saving you was not her primary intention.", Grace pointed out.

I thought about it. She was right of course.

"Goddamn it Austin, I didn't push you into that cockpit!", was the thought that ran through my head. I didn't pull the trigger. I didn't force her to do anything. She did it herself. As my wife had made the decision to try and have the baby.

I looked at Grace who was sitting there with a pleased expression on her face.

"You are in charge of your actions Michael. You are NOT in charge of other people's reactions."

I looked at the cat drowsing on the window ledge and walked over to stroke it's warm fur.

It looked at me and then rolled over, falling off the ledge, forcing me to catch it before it landed on the floor.

I didn't say anything for a long time, just stroked the cat thoughtfully.

"Thank you Doctor.", I finally said, placing the cat on the desk.

"You're welcome Michael. Please give Minx my regards.", she said rising to escort me to the door.

"Uh, Doctor. Can I ask you a question?", I said reaching for the doorknob.

"Of course.", she said agreeably.

"What does my file say is my favorite sexual activity?", I asked.

She leaned forward and whispered in my ear, making me blush.

"Well, you know, uhhh.", I said in embarrassment.

"Michael, I'm just as kinky as you are in some ways. Don't be embarrassed. If fact, if you'd like to play some time, call me."

I opened the door and started to walk out then stuck my head back in.

"You know something Grace? You're amazing.", I said and slipped out, feeling a thousand percent better about things.

 I walked out to the street, happy for the first time in weeks.

" I once was lost, but now am found, Was blind, but now I see."

Chapter 16 Section 1 to 4

Toucha Toucha Touch Me!
Pete Tchaikovski's Blues
Hotcha Cornia (Dark Eyes)
Amazing Grace