The Diaries of Ayesha

One of those trivial, yet not trivial tasks I perform for the Mistress is her errands. This can consist of bank runs, equipment shopping, dry cleaning pick up and last but certainly not least grocery shopping.

Most commonly it's grocery shopping which can cover anything and everything from cat litter to caviar and sometimes requires stops at multiple stores to complete the list.

Mind you, I do all of this wearing my collar and tag.

This does cause an occasional comment ranging from a "What is that?" from the girl at the dry cleaners who was embarrassed by the answer and my pride in the explanation to "Why are you wearing that?" from an Orthodox Jew wearing a yarmulke at the grocery store.

"Tradition," I answered. "I always were it when I do Her shopping."

He went upon his way with a large smile on his face.

The last grocery shopping trip however I was escorted by the lady herself to my surprise and pleasure. She usually gives me a printed list of her needs, but this time she brought her little Clio organizer with her. I will say the Clio is probably her favorite non-sex toy as she uses it for everything that requires a list including a tally of my misdeeds.

I can pray for a battery failure of course.

Anyway we arrived at Trader Joe's (shameless plug) at 30 minutes to closing and started playing the home edition of Supermarket Sweep. "We have to hurry pig, so try and keep up.," she warned.

A quick pass through the produce section dodging clerks and customers and netted a bag of baby spinach and a box of fresh raspberries which were subjected to an intense inspection for mold, two of the last three boxes having gone bad in a days time. I returned both boxes and they were exchanged without issue but on the second exchange explained that Mi'lady was not at all pleased with the quality issues and another occurrence would likely result in her personally attending to the problem. Judging from the reaction of the clerk, it seemed he had felt her wrath in the past and wasn't anxious to repeat the experience anytime soon.

Pressing on she snarfed a brick of tofu and then turned to me, fondling a small wheel of Brie muttering to herself as to the advisability of buying it.

"So when was the last time you had Brie," I asked.

"Friday at dinner." "And that keeps you having it again on Monday?"

That was all the answer she needed and the Brie soon joined the rest of the items in the cart.

Through the meat case loading ground turkey and chicken enchiladas into the cart and then around the corner and down the aisle for dog treats (no, not for me), cat litter and soap.

All of this with me maneuvering the cart through the crowded aisles avoiding stacks of breakable items and other hurrying shoppers as she slipped through spaces that I would have needed to be greased to get through easily. I had instead to apologize multiple times to multiple people in my quest to catch up with her. When I did, she had stopped at a shelf full of dried fruits and was examining and discarding various types and finally admitted she couldn't decide and turned the choice over to me.

"What if I pick the wrong one?"

"You'll find out, now won't you?"

That reminded me of the old joke about the farmer and the fruit thieves.

Two guys sneak into a farmer's fruit garden and start eating the fruit. The farmer sees them and comes out with a shotgun. "Since you guys like fruit so much go pick 100 of which ever fruit you want," said the farmer. The first guy decides to pick grapes. When he gets 100 he goes back to the farmer. The farmer says cocking the shotgun "Now shove em' all up your ass." The guy gets all 100 up his ass. He feels really bad, but then he starts to laugh. "Why you laughing?" asked the farmer. To which the man replied, "My friend is out picking watermelons!"

I selected blueberries, tossed them in the basket and resumed the chase.

All natural 2% milk, maple yogurt, plain Greek yogurt, cottage cheese and then a sharp veer into the ice cream section when the Mistress pulled out a container of Coffee Heath Bar Crunch and stared at it like Hamlet observing Yorrick's skull.

"I don't know if I should buy this or not," she mused.

"Well, would it drive you wild with passion?" I asked. She stared at me for a moment and then relaxed into a smile.

"It would actually, but this isn't the time," she replied and replaced the Coffee Heath Bar Crunch with a container of Chocolate Fudge Brownie.

Sigh.

Well I like Chocolate Fudge Brownie too. And not always the ice cream.

Back around the aisle for turkey chili, refried beans, rice noodles and a large jar of crushed garlic.

"A whole jar?" I asked curiously.

"You know how much I love the stuff," she replied setting the jar in the cart. "I've even considered moving to Gilroy."

"You wouldn't see much of Julia and Matthew if you did," I reflected thinking of our two vampyric friends.

"That's stereotyping you know," she warned.

"Is it? Do you remember the last time they came for dinner and Julia went sheet white at the garlic bread?"

"Pig..." she warned.

"I'm just saying..."

"Nothing," she warned. "You were saying nothing."

Next stop was the vitamin department, which necessitated my getting down on my knees to find the correct ones for her. It also involved the Mistress putting her foot on my shoulder to make sure I stayed down long enough to show any onlookers who was in charge.

She lifted her foot and signaled I should rise and smiled as I put the box in the cart.

"You looked good down there," she commented as she led the way towards the checkout line.

"I prefer to be in a position where I can gaze up at you properly," I replied.

"Special treats for special times my pig. Perhaps later tonight."

We had just taken a place in line when the Mistress recalled she didn't have any crackers for the Brie.

"Run and get some rice crackers," she ordered indicating the left side of the store.

I headed that way and found myself doing an imitation of a hunting dog as I cast down the aisles until I found the crackers It wasn't as easy a task as it sounded. There was a wall of boxes of crackers of various shapes, colors, flavors and sizes, but not one word on any of them as to what they were made of.

I did finally locate a small unadorned package marked rice crackers half hidden behind a box of sesame cheese oyster crackers and dashed back to the check out line with them hoping they were the right ones.

"What took you so long?" the Mistress asked as I put them on the checkout counter.

"I'm blind. The package was too small to see."

"Ah" was the only response.

"Yes, velly clever these Chinese, good at making velly small things," I said in a mock Chinese accent.

"Yes they are Mu-Shu," she said with an evil smile.

The clerk paid no attention to this by-play and kept his head down running items over the scanner until he hit the final total and then turned to the Mistress to request payment. She paid the bill in cash and demurred at his offer to take the items out for her.

"Not necessary, " she said. "I have a slave for that."

The expression on his face at that was worth twice the grocery bill. It still amazes me how a simple statement of facts can confound the average person.

Now some of you may be looking for a hidden point in this tale or a serious kink, but as Professor Tom Lerher said, "When correctly viewed ... everything is lewd."

Chapter 31 Sections 1 to 6

Goober Peas
  Men
Mary Had a Little Lamb
Pandora's Gift
The Velveteen Rabbit
Supermarket Sweep